There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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