He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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