You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
