he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
