before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
