Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
