We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
