I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
