Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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