dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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