I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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