: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
