if you like me you must not know who I am
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
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From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
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