I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
