Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
