So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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