so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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