so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
