I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and she was petting her beer can
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
