Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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