I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
