I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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