someone threw a dead crab at me
I bet he comes in French.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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