Cold hands, warm shart.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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