She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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