The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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