I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
