Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
