I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
