My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
