I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
