mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
