I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
