just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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