god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Randomize
