i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
