I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
