So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
