cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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