Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
