Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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