She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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