I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
