Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Randomize
