So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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