Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
