Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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