I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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