remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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