Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
