I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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