I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize