Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
