Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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