jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
