then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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