theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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